Sneezes, Perfection, Ice-cream

Dear V

I hope you are well. And I hope that you hope that I'm well. Because its a nice sentiment when someone else cares about you. Like how saying "bless you" after a sneeze is absolutely unnecessary but at least you hope that someone in the room will bless you. Either way it is usually just empty words, produced out of reflex. But really how can words make any difference to the sneeze you just released? None really.

Well I've had a rather poor day. And I feel like you are the only one I can really talk to right now. Its about Perfection. I don't think I'm a perfectionist but I pretty bias towards myself. Though I feel as though I have given myself standards that are much too high, and don't get me wrong high standards are great, fantastic! But it is the extremes that I expect of myself that usually let me down. When I don't reach them, I tend to crash and burn and demolish a decent 1.5L container of ice-cream. (those really expensive and indulgent ones that need a warning label to indicate that there is actually no conceivable healthy serving.) If you must know, I ate a salad for dinner in self defense. It was an assessment I received today, and I was not pleased with the mark. My teacher gave it to me and I felt like heaving.

I hate being wrong, it makes me feel vulnerable, weak, and inferior.  

I've been trying to get my head out this gridlock for the whole night. And I'm slowly getting over it. I should have started this earlier, to clearly document the states leading to this revelation, but you know, i was too busy feeling sorry for myself. As I have actually come to appreciate the learning process of being wrong or feeling disappointed. I feel like if I tell myself things, these things will be true. Like when I talk to friends and succumb to mirroring their likes and dislikes in order for them to like me, I slowly lose myself. I chip away at myself to slot in someone else. I noticed only recently when I had a strange urgency to have a spoon of peanut butter, that I actually enjoy the taste of it. All these years with an unreasonable distaste for peanut butter has deprived me! I am digressing...

So I'm going to tell myself;
1. That I should not have eaten all the ice-cream (in one sitting)
2. That I will take disappointment in stride
3. That I will be the caring one for others
4. That Karma is not a bitch
5. That I will study harder and be rewarded
6. That I am happy
7. That you are happy
8. That I will buy my mother more ice-cream


P.s Its ok to be wrong as long as you promise yourself to be right next time

Love,
Michelle