Sneezes, Perfection, Ice-cream

Dear V

I hope you are well. And I hope that you hope that I'm well. Because its a nice sentiment when someone else cares about you. Like how saying "bless you" after a sneeze is absolutely unnecessary but at least you hope that someone in the room will bless you. Either way it is usually just empty words, produced out of reflex. But really how can words make any difference to the sneeze you just released? None really.

Well I've had a rather poor day. And I feel like you are the only one I can really talk to right now. Its about Perfection. I don't think I'm a perfectionist but I pretty bias towards myself. Though I feel as though I have given myself standards that are much too high, and don't get me wrong high standards are great, fantastic! But it is the extremes that I expect of myself that usually let me down. When I don't reach them, I tend to crash and burn and demolish a decent 1.5L container of ice-cream. (those really expensive and indulgent ones that need a warning label to indicate that there is actually no conceivable healthy serving.) If you must know, I ate a salad for dinner in self defense. It was an assessment I received today, and I was not pleased with the mark. My teacher gave it to me and I felt like heaving.

I hate being wrong, it makes me feel vulnerable, weak, and inferior.  

I've been trying to get my head out this gridlock for the whole night. And I'm slowly getting over it. I should have started this earlier, to clearly document the states leading to this revelation, but you know, i was too busy feeling sorry for myself. As I have actually come to appreciate the learning process of being wrong or feeling disappointed. I feel like if I tell myself things, these things will be true. Like when I talk to friends and succumb to mirroring their likes and dislikes in order for them to like me, I slowly lose myself. I chip away at myself to slot in someone else. I noticed only recently when I had a strange urgency to have a spoon of peanut butter, that I actually enjoy the taste of it. All these years with an unreasonable distaste for peanut butter has deprived me! I am digressing...

So I'm going to tell myself;
1. That I should not have eaten all the ice-cream (in one sitting)
2. That I will take disappointment in stride
3. That I will be the caring one for others
4. That Karma is not a bitch
5. That I will study harder and be rewarded
6. That I am happy
7. That you are happy
8. That I will buy my mother more ice-cream


P.s Its ok to be wrong as long as you promise yourself to be right next time

Love,
Michelle

True self, Waffles, and Floaties

Dear V


Sometimes I worry about you. Sometimes you give me the impression that your invincible, in the sky with your own thoughts where no one can touch you. For that I'm jealous, until I see you vulnerable. If I look at you in a particular light I can see it real well. No one sees because that's how you fooled them. I'm beginning to realise how good you are at pretend.
Sometimes I wonder when you are you. Really you. But then again is anyone ever themselves. The true self is such an illusive subject that's so fleeting when your mind almost has a comprehension of it.

Like your mind has a light bulb moment and when you rush for a scrap of paper to write it down, the words won't come, or what you thought was coherent language was rather 'brain talk'- something that only has a definition or awareness in the mind. It would be otherwise confusing when human intellect is applied.

Ironically I've lost my trail of thought.... Alas my case exactly.
Let me return to your circumstance. You V are a 'floater' at school you don't belong anywhere or to anyone criteria. Chameleon soul. Is it something to hate or rejoice that you don't find your home, your affinity. Do you long for a meaningful connection? Or are you content in your disposition? Both? Knowing you, you would have answered the latter. But hey... Ok no there is no hate, I see the appeal actually, the freedom and the clarity of independance. But you did confess to be a two faced enity. Soo many bad connotations. But I think everyone is two faced. There are soo many dichotomies from this... Let me elaborate;
- the face for the public and private
- for the private and for the self
- for the self and the true self
The self I believe is who we kid ourselves to be. Private is our intimates ie family, close friends etc. Public is anyone else.
What I hate is that there is no certainty in finding the true self. Only our brains can reach that awarness. Do we achieve it when we are very happy? Is that how our body signals such a profound moment? I want to know my true self and I understand that I am only very young and that people take pilgrimages to the deep recesses of the Amazon to 'find themselves' but really? Can one find themselves? Let alone in the Amazon?
Humans are curious, and deep thought makes me feel euphoric and melancholy.
V, we might put our backs to the future but time still impaled us, and certainly it hurts too much sometimes not to be certain and sure- But we can't let the pain spoil the rest of our lives because you and I are still very young and shouldn't even be thinking of these things but we are cursed to be too sentimental or others too vain.
Throughout life humans humor ourselves with finding truth in mystery, when the punchline is the classic, good ole' death. We are so ephemeral, like tissue paper to the cardboard of the continuum of life.
P.s remember only young children, intoxicated or really pissed off people ever tell the truth
Enclosed photo is my idea of food for thought
Love,
Michelle