Kaleidoscope, Sadness, Likes

Dear V

Life is real good sometimes. Its about making things significant. Lately I have been trying to appreciate things more, especially the most common things. I find that when something is seen too often, or is integrated into the ordinary, there is a lost in beauty. There is so much to do and see in the world as cliche as it sounds. But its the truth, so many experiences and prospects that make me want to fill my bucket list with.

And I guess it there is this extreme there must be a corresponding opposite. There is also much sadness in the world. It is too fast to fall from happiness to sadness. It would almost be cruel, if it weren't a natural process of things.

Sitting here talking to you reminds me to look at things differently. Like though a kaleidoscope perhaps, there is so much color which I guess can be synonymous to life and opportunity but in certain cases there is vertigo with the patterns. 

That wasn't a bad analogy. But the only fault I suppose is the tunnel vision. You know the blurring edges, when only one aspect of the pattern is clear but the mirrored images of it is blurry? Anyway what I mean is that there is a lack of openness in the world these days. People need to come to empathize if not sympathize with their fellow human. For example maybe a friend is trying to get out of the friend zone- if your perceptive enough to see this, why not ease their struggle and be upfront about it. Imagine the world if everyone was like this.
"Hey Stranger, I could not leave this cafe without saying how beautiful your eyes. Sorry if I interrupted you, have a nice day."
There is too much self appreciation and jealousy. I see it so much on social media. I see people finding approval through the number of 'likes' they receive on their profile picture. Some of the comment make me chuckle to myself sometimes but in such a case it is best to be modest but balance a sort of grace to accept compliments.

 There are so many mundane things that now make me genuinely smile. And these opportunities to write make me really appreciative as an aspiring writer. Though many of my responses may not have made sense, its all very real. Like an spontaneous flow of thought from my mind. At every thought I try to manage comprehensible language to communicate the workings of my mind. I must confess it makes me feel powerful.

P.s
I suggest smiling when you can, but the best smile is the uncontrollable ones, the ones that surface deep within, the ones that only your intimates gets to see and the one the world is seldom graced with.

Love
Michelle

Update

Dear V

Sorry I've been away. Its Exam season as you know and I find it increasingly difficult to keep up. I need to Write to you more often to clear my head. I want it to be my therapy, you know? Something reflex leads me to.
Same time tomorrow?

Love Michelle

Sneezes, Perfection, Ice-cream

Dear V

I hope you are well. And I hope that you hope that I'm well. Because its a nice sentiment when someone else cares about you. Like how saying "bless you" after a sneeze is absolutely unnecessary but at least you hope that someone in the room will bless you. Either way it is usually just empty words, produced out of reflex. But really how can words make any difference to the sneeze you just released? None really.

Well I've had a rather poor day. And I feel like you are the only one I can really talk to right now. Its about Perfection. I don't think I'm a perfectionist but I pretty bias towards myself. Though I feel as though I have given myself standards that are much too high, and don't get me wrong high standards are great, fantastic! But it is the extremes that I expect of myself that usually let me down. When I don't reach them, I tend to crash and burn and demolish a decent 1.5L container of ice-cream. (those really expensive and indulgent ones that need a warning label to indicate that there is actually no conceivable healthy serving.) If you must know, I ate a salad for dinner in self defense. It was an assessment I received today, and I was not pleased with the mark. My teacher gave it to me and I felt like heaving.

I hate being wrong, it makes me feel vulnerable, weak, and inferior.  

I've been trying to get my head out this gridlock for the whole night. And I'm slowly getting over it. I should have started this earlier, to clearly document the states leading to this revelation, but you know, i was too busy feeling sorry for myself. As I have actually come to appreciate the learning process of being wrong or feeling disappointed. I feel like if I tell myself things, these things will be true. Like when I talk to friends and succumb to mirroring their likes and dislikes in order for them to like me, I slowly lose myself. I chip away at myself to slot in someone else. I noticed only recently when I had a strange urgency to have a spoon of peanut butter, that I actually enjoy the taste of it. All these years with an unreasonable distaste for peanut butter has deprived me! I am digressing...

So I'm going to tell myself;
1. That I should not have eaten all the ice-cream (in one sitting)
2. That I will take disappointment in stride
3. That I will be the caring one for others
4. That Karma is not a bitch
5. That I will study harder and be rewarded
6. That I am happy
7. That you are happy
8. That I will buy my mother more ice-cream


P.s Its ok to be wrong as long as you promise yourself to be right next time

Love,
Michelle